05 September 2015

Goodbye, Mom

27 August 2015

Mom's graduation from high school

My mom is gone. She has moved on to the eternal place. She is better, happier. At least I hope she is happier. This is how I remember my mom....sad. Unhappy, feeling alone. 

I grieve that my sisters had a relationship with her that I was never allowed to have. She one time commented that I was most like her. She used to say every year, how I ruined her Thanksgiving. Made me feel unwanted. I used to think I was adopted, until a friend of my mom saw a picture of me from my senior photos. She said I looked just like my mom in her senior photo. Then I knew I was not adopted. When I got married, I could come over on weekends to do laundry, until my husband and I purchased our own washer and dryer. After I had my first child, I had to be invited over. I could not just come over. This continued as I had more children. Soon we would only see her once a year. My children lost out because of this, too. She didn't change when she got sick, she wanted me at the hospital, but she didn't want me at her house. My sisters were always allowed there. I had 3 emergency C-sections and my mother didn't come to help me. I was on my own. When I had my first, my husband got called to come back to work early. My first mother's day was made special by my neighbors, not my mother. When I had my 2nd child, my mother didn't come around then, but I remember after my sister had her 2nd, my mother was at her house helping to care for her oldest. When I had my 3rd, my husband took off longer. He helped me with all the children. I just feel that because she was forcing me to live as she had, bullied by classmates (yep, I had that one), felt alone with family (yep, I still have that one, in fact, I feel unwanted by my family), no mother to help with babies when they came (yep, only because that was how she wanted to do it). Goodbye, Mom. Hope that you are a lot happier.

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