05 September 2015

Yeah, I am Grieving

Yeah, my mom is dead. I am grieving. I am grieving that I didn't ever have the relationship with her that my sisters had. I had the misfortune of being the first born and I came on the most horrid of days...Thanksgiving. My mother never tired of telling me how I ruined her Thanksgiving! I would never think of telling my daughters they ruined my day. They made my day. I am so very proud and love them all very much. My daughters are great.
When I had my first baby, my mom was for all the world a happy grandma, but after having a hard labour and an emergency C-section and damage to a renal artery, I came home from the hospital and she didn't come over to help me. I had to manage on my own. She then instituted the you need to be invited before coming over to her house. I lived in KY at that time and was only 9 miles from her house, but you would think it was farther. I had my 2nd baby and she only came to the hospital again, once to see the new baby. Every time I called to ask her advice, she (a nurse) always said, I don't remember or I don't know. I leaned more on my mother-in-law. I actually miss her more than I miss my mom. I really miss the relationship she had with my sisters. I really wanted that relationship. A relationship that allowed me to come to her house, when we came to the area. A relationship that had her stop by my house on her way to or from the other places. It came to the point where I would go to my mil and visit with her. I would bring the girls around my mil. My mil would come to my house without warning and we would visit. I miss that relationship.
When I had my 3rd daughter, we were living 47 miles away and when we would come down to her house, she still had the only come when invited. On Nicole's 1st birthday (Thanksgiving), we planned a party for her and invited everyone. Only my mil, fil, bil came to her party. Why? Because it was Thanksgiving and it was so much more important than that child. Yep, I can say that, because she said so! My child at 4 yo asked why she was inconvenient. Because she heard all the messages every year saying that my family could not come to her birthday because it was inconvenient. Didn't matter if it was Thanksgiving or Saturday or Sunday celebration, it was inconvenient. So we stopped having birthday parties for all the girls and started a new celebration. The first party was an all day come when it works for you, come for lunch or come for supper, but come and celebrate. Only 3 came. I am grateful for those 3! They made my daughters always feel wanted and loved.
I have spent more years hearing how we lived too far away, that we should come down there. Interesting, we lived too far for them to see us, but not for us to come see them, when they wanted to see us. We created a life! A life with just those who wanted to be with us. We would go for almost a year at a time not seeing my parents or sisters or brother. Think of it, 47 miles separated us, but you would have thought it was thousands of miles! With my mom's recent illnesses, my sister made the comment that we moved so far away because we wanted to be far away from them, not for the real reason....Bill's job was closer to here than there.
Now that mom is dead, my one sister says, "We went through mom's things and we have a rosary for you. I'll give it to you the next time I see you."
This is the rosary I was given. I guess it is like the relationship I had with my mother. Broken.

After the funeral, my other sister and her cousins, I refuse to claim them as they don't think much of me, decided to go through mom's books and I get to go through what is left. Hmmm, the leftover books. The books no one else wants. I feel really special. It seems that their cousins deserve more consideration than I do. Oh, well. I just know that I will never have the relationship with the mother that they had and I will never have a relationship with them after this affront. I am finished trying. They are not worth my time.

Edit to add: They did not intentionally give me the broken rosary, but given how they have told me I am unwanted, it did feel a bit intentional. I still don't have respect or liking for the cousins, because of the sisters telling me how the "Whole family hates me and (the youngest's add) they want me dead." Sorry, but there has to be a good layer of truth to that one. This statement has been said to me way too many times.

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